am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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