even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
