not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
