We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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