I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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