What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
