i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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