oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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