theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
