i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
