Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
