I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
