haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
