we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
