dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
