What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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