Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
