dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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