1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
