I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
