you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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