If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
