You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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