so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how do flat chested girls get laid?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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