Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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