So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
