i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
