all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
