I wish my penis had an off switch
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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