well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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