Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
