She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
