When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
