she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
