i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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