I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
