these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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