Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
