I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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