The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
