I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you win again, gameday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
