I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
