Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
