I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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