Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
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It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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