if i can run in heels then i can drive
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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