i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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