in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
