is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
