hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
