I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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