I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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